vantage points

i recently had the pleasure of having two of my close friends from home visiting new orleans.. i was grateful to have people that reminded me of home with me in a place where i have set up a home...

we strolled around the french quarter..listened to the bluesy music of jon cleary..took in all of the festivities at the st. patty's day parade..soaked up some rays at the beach and of course it wouldn't be a new orleans trip without enjoying the delicious restaurants...

all in all it added up to a wonderful weekend..by taking in all the beauty and sunshine with some fresh eyes my love of the city was recharged..sometimes you just need a different vantage point..

"to love..to be loved..to never forget your own significance....to never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you..to seek joy even in the saddest places...to pursue beauty to its lair..to never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple..to respect strength..never power above all...to watch..to try and understand..to never look away..and never..never..to forget" arundhati roy

peace & love

jillian 

time

"your journey has molded you for your greater good..and it was exactly what it needed to be..don't think that you've lost time..it took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now..and the now is right on time" asha tyson

after my birthday has now come and gone i've gotten to pondering about where i was a year ago..as some of you know i had originally applied for a year of service abroad with another organization..after completing countless interviews and essays it was this time last year when i was anxiously waiting..waiting to see where the cards would fall..

obviously i didn't get the response i had been hoping for..even going as far as nearly counting on..i was devasted and at a complete loss with what to do..i had absolutely no plan or direction..in my opinion i had failed miserably..



but i've always thought god does his best work at times like these..when hope seems to have left us...because at church the sunday after my disappointing news i was told about the YAV program..there i found a glimmer of hope..a shed of light..once i got home i dove into research about the program and layed out before me was more than i could have ever asked for..

and that has honestly made all the difference..so there you have it...god really knew what he was doing after all..

peace & love

jillian

the power to build or destroy

"no matter what anybody tells you words and ideas change the world" robin williams

     lately i have been watching countless documentaries..about varying subjects from the dolphin slaughter in japan to our food industry to the darfur genocide...needless to say they haven't been light subjects and i have found that i have a difficult time adjusting back to "reality" after seeing them..witnessing the depth of the suffering that is in our world..it stirred something in me that i couldn't get away from..something i couldn't escape..my mind just kept bringing me back to it..i was frustrated...and i couldn't seem to move forward without reverting back  to what i noticed..in every one of these documentaries..no matter the subject at hand..there was one common disturbing thread...greed..big companies and influential societies..were only focused on getting more and doing whatever they needed to do in order to get more..with no thought to what it might bring to the people they were serving..their focus was not on  compassion..it truly disgusted me..and i was disappointed...disappointed by humanity..i felt like we as a human race continually stray away from what is real and true..and i just felt so small and discouraged.and i was wondering why god had entrusted this world to us..when here we are continually destroying it and those who live in it for our greedy hearts..


these feelings were eating at me...at my soul..and my never ending sunny outlook on people and life in general..it was weighing me down..dragging my feet..i felt useless in working to make this world better..but throughout this i never gave up on the individual...sure humanity itself i had lost hope in...but i could search and find hope in individual relationships where i could not easily see or pick out in the bigger picture of humanity...i was confused where love..compassion..and empathy got lost in it...and why it seemed to be swallowed up by the depravity of our world today..


i found it hard to enjoy the blessings i had...how could i justify being happy and carefree in a world where so many are struggling..how am i supposed to wrap my young mind around that?
__________________________________________________________
     but through this darkness i could count on my faith..and i knew there was a reason i was having such strong reactions to what i was experiencing...and it was during these darker moments when some light was shed..


one of my roommates recently lent me her donald miller 'your story series' which is a 6 disc collection of speeches miller has given..these gave me new insight on many things...but one that spoke particularly to what i was feeling was in the last disc called 'your story and the cross'  in this disc donald miller was speaking about what it means to live out the cross of christ...through his speech he encouraged the thousand men he was speaking to, to live out the power god has given them to change the world 

he spoke of passivity and even when you don't speak up or do something it actually speaks volumes...god has given us this enormous power and we need to realize we have a choice to build or to destroy..and not doing anything or speaking up is still a choice...and sometimes that speaks louder than anything that could have been spoken

"our passivity..our sitting and doing nothing or our beliefs that we don't have the power to actually hurt people..is hurting people..it's killing some of the people in our lives....and we just have to go..'you know what i have to live in the power of christ"

"the way we have to combat this is we have to reach into ourselves and say i have christ in me i have the power to fix some of this..to help..we are too often like fans of jesus instead of one with jesus"

another thing miller spoke of was the need we have for people in our lives that speak truth to us..that god is using us...that what we say to others matters and what we do to others matters.."and if you don't think you have power..you're crushing people" god uses others to get through to us...to highlight and affirm our strengths..to build us up when we need it... 
__________________________________________________________
     and after listening to this last disc i immediately connected it to an experience i had at work not long ago...something that has stuck with me since then..so brightly and so clear..i was chatting with a seafarer that i have grown to know throughout the months of working at the center..our conversations have always provided me with new insights on life and faith..and i'm grateful for these conversations...this one in particular he directed questions toward me and my faith..and if you know me well you know that i am much more of a listener than a talker...for  many reasons...but he asked me if i often spoke of my faith and mind..i said no...i tend to enjoy showing my faith through my actions...and he said "you should talk...you need to talk about faith...because you are real..you're faith is genuine and real and more people need to hear about your faith" and throughout this conversation it dawned on me he was one of the only people i've known to see me as i have always wanted to be seen..he saw me so clearly and genuinely i was taken aback.....he saw god in me...my light..he saw past what so many other people get caught up on...and i've not been that grateful for anything in a long while...it was the best thing i could have heard at that moment...i found part of what i was unknowingly seeking..a genuine true conversation..something that was deeper than the superficial layer we all have the tendency to live on..i saw god through him..i saw his light...
________________________________________________________________
     we need to be more intentional with our lives...we leave imprints on the people we come into contact with...what we buy at the store or watch on the television have an impact on things that go on in the world..what we buy into in society has an impact on people all over the world..there is no denying that..and as americans we hold an even bigger responsibility in how the world is shaped..in it's priorities...in what it values..

we have power be sure of that...it just doesn't always seem so clear..but your words can stick with someone..for the day...for the week...and even forever and sometimes it's what you're unwilling to say..or do...your passivity can stick with someone..as if they weren't worth the words or the action...


and although i am not always entirely convinced i have this power...i know it's true for others...because i know for certain that i have held onto what others have said to me...what they're passivity has told me...the good experiences lift me out of trouble...and their words or actions can easily crush me if i didn't have those good experiences..but i store them in the back of my mind..
__________________________________________________________
so i choose to feel confident that god is using others' gifts to get through to me..to let me know he still cares for me..loves me more than i can ever comprehend..and he does the same through me and my gifts..that's why it's so important for us to be aware of them and use them genuinely since they can easily alter someones day..week..and even life..

we have the choice to build or destroy

peace & love

jillian

a walk down memory lane

i have a new orleans box...this box was made for me as a going away present from my friend kate..to say it comes in handy would be an understatement..i toss in some type of article every few days..a card..a letter..a postcard from anyone (which always brightens my day)usually ends up in this little box..any little trinket or neat sign..business card..picture..or program i've collected over these past few months can be found there..


the other day i was feeling a little sentimental and decided to rummage through it..and it was much like looking back through all of the wonderful experiences i had so far...some that i regretfully had forgotten about...

there is liturgy from the annual peace gathering where i had the honor of meeting sister helen prejean..i found several museum tickets..colorful art from the kiddos i tutor..my book cover of nine lives which brought back memories of talking with the author dan baum..pictures and name tags from our community days that included planting trees with bayou rebirth and clearing lots with hands on new orleans along with agape meal fellowship devotions that reflected on the days highs and lows...a program from caroling in jackson square..different cards and coins from the joan of arc parade in the french quarter..while discovering all of these things again i felt very blessed...blessed that i live in such a lively city..blessed that i have had the opportunity to serve here..

along with all of these reminders were letters and cards from my friends and family..they warmed my heart all over again reading through them..and once more i felt so blessed...blessed that i have such loving and thoughtful people in my life..that encourage me and keep me in their thoughts and prayers..

"sometimes it hits me..how magnificent life really is..all the little details all the little features..like the dust..gracefully floating of from old books..like the little fibers in your favorite sweater..like the way paint sits upon a white canvas..like the broken lines and creases on your hands like the warmth of a hot cup of cocoa..or like the path a tear takes..slowly dripping..when you begin to see small details like these..you'll begin to appreciate life more..this world is waiting for you..whispering for you too..'fall in love with me..fall in love with life" 

peace & love 
jillian                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

back to the sunshine

"you get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place..like you'll not only miss the people you love..but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place..because you'll never be this way ever again" azar nafisi

i've been back in NOLA (and soaking up the sunshine) for well over a week now..and it is as if i never left...as if my christmas break at home was merely a dream..it's hard for me to grasp this in many ways..i had the pleasure of spending time with a lot of  my family and friends..got back in the saddle (finally)..enjoyed some delicious home cooked meals (thanks mom)..had a chance to see some snow (brr)..got a much needed haircut (i am a repunzle no longer)..and brought in the new year with some of my favorite people..all in all it was a wonderful trip...

                     

however..i found it hard to adjust being home at first..i wasn't sure if i had changed in some ways that made it difficult for me to comfortably slide back into my life before new orleans..and when i got down to it..i don't really know if i wanted it to be an easy transition..see i specifically remember before i left for my yav year that i was in many ways nervous about change...not necessarily change in my enviornment or what i would encounter here but what this year would change in me...i knew for certain i wanted to grow as a person and in my faith..but what if that meant i did so much that i didn't recognize my "previous life" when i returned? and on the other end of things i was also nervous if i wasn't changed by this experience...contradictory? yes..and that left me trying to balance it all..

but that balancing act is tiring and after much deliberation and analyzing my trip home i am a bit tired of all that type of thinking so i am hoping to just embrace all that is happening..good and bad..put more trust into god and what he is doing with my life..

"our relationship with jesus is messy..intimate..and beautiful all at the same time..often he takes us on these dangerous adventures just to strip everything else away but himself..from there he'll show us that he is writing a bigger and far more beautiful story than we could have ever imagined" paige armstrong

peace & love

jillian

home

with all of this warm weather it's been hard to wrap my head around the fact that christmas is just around the corner..one thing that definitely brought me some christmas cheer was caroling in jackson square..a tradition that has been going on for many years in new orleans..a few of my roommates and i joined about 8,000 other carolers on a chillier night than most and enjoyed the candlelight and christmas tunes..

caroling in jackson square-angels we have heard on high

and as i cross things off on my packing list (this is my must have for any trip) i am considering many things...how nice it will be to be home, back in pa with that wintery wind in my face..spending time with my family and friends...it'll be comforting to be back at my church and to experience the beautiful christmas decorations..and to embrace all that is home....but i will miss many things..this lively city and all the uniqueness that comes with it..the russle of the leaves that are still on the trees..although it will be nice to have time to relax i will miss my work and those who i serve...last but certainly not least i will miss my roommates who often provide me with laughter and inspiration..

"home is wherever we are..if there is love there too"

jack johnson

peace & love
jillian

trusting

i've been feeling a bit lost lately...like i'm floating around waiting for the wind to blow me in the right direction..searching for...something from god..or maybe meaning for this occasional disorientation...  

and for a person that tends to enjoy having some kind of plan in mind..at least to adhere to..tweak..or even to revamp entirely.. it has made me feel uneasy.. and to be honest i often find myself in this position more often than i would like to admit...i'll have these wonderful meaningful beautiful blissful days..(and have had more serving in this city than ever before)..and then all of a sudden..out of the blue it's as if i wandered into some heavy fog..thrown off balance and questioning things i thought i was so certain of

maybe it's a way for god to remind me who is truly in control when i feel like i know exactly what i'm doing and where i'm going (notice all of those i statements)..and although i completely hate when this happen i always end up with a clearer view...after i've taken a while to let god show me what is in store for me and my life..he has a detailed picture of something so spectacular for all of us that it's a shame that i often struggle to follow his guidance opposed to the flawed sketch i make for myself..

"count your blessings..once you realize how valuable you are..and how much you have going for you..the smiles will return..the sun will break out..the music will play..and you will finally be able to move forward with the life that god intended for you with grace..strength..courage..and confidence" og mandino

peace & love,

jillian